An Agent Orange Legacy

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My father was a Vietnam Vet, and he was an abuser. It ran in the family because by the time I passed second grade I was not only being physically and mentally abused, but also had been sexually abused.

He was exposed to Agent Orange while in Vietnam, and that legacy was passed down to me. At 24, I was diagnosed with diabetes and am now insulin dependent. At 35, I had a triple bypass. I am now 45 and I have diabetes, Congenital Heart Failure, Chronic Kidney Disease, HBP, high cholesterol, 4 stents, PAD, CAD, gastroparesis, I am going blind, and have had a below the knee amputation of my left leg.

On top of my medical ailments I also suffer from Depression, PTSD, and now have been diagnosed with BPD. I am currently going through a divorce after 25 years in an abusive relationship, I thought I could protect my kids, and I did for a long time but this last year things spiraled out of control and I have temporarily moved into a nursing home for my own safety. I won’t be going back.

I am 45 and I have spent 45 years being abused in one form or another. To quote Dory, I kept telling myself just keep swimming, just keep moving, don’t look up, just keep going no matter what.

Then one day I stopped, it was right after my 12th suicide attempt. I finally realized I couldn’t ignore it any longer, and I certainly wasn’t fooling anyone by trying to hide it. So I gave in to it instead. I don’t mean I tried to kill myself again, I mean I just stopped pretending I was anything but severely depressed, checked myself into the hospital for the millionth time, and told myself that this time it would be different. This time I would tell the truth, this time I would not hide it.

And a miracle happened, I was finally set free. I had finally accepted my illness.

I allowed myself to be miserable, and boy did I show it. Now I am in stage 4 of depression and moving into stage 5.

My advice to you, should you find yourself reading this, is to do the same. Stop swimming, stop being ok, stop being fine, and be who and what you really are. Then, and only then, you can truly begin to fight and conquer your illness.

God bless, and good luck to you in all your journeys.

How did your Illness progress? Take a Read, Comment to show your Support and Share if you can Relate.

Source: CureUp

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